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Relationships

20 things you NEED to know before dating a Tsonga person

About Vavasati:

  1. Don’t ever wrestle her – Tsonga women are very strong and aggressive, trust me mfo – don’t let her size up your strength. Don’t fight a Tsonga woman in any physical way, you will not win.
  2. Do not think you can just jump in bed and not touch her – You will touch her hi nkani or no one is sleeping. Tsonga women fight for sex, LITERALLY. They even drag your parents into it (our culture condones it), NO LIES!
  3. Do not EVER, EVER, EVER cum quick –And quick is less than 15 minutes. If you want peace in your life you better keep penetrating papaya or you will be hearing “mxm” every 6 seconds…
  4. Do not tell her you are full when she serves you food – Eeh bot, just eat that korobela and pray it’s weak.
  5. Don’t let her be your financial accountant – Once a Tsonga woman gets hold of your pin and bank card, you now work for her and you will have to put in a request to access your money. But this usually happens to dudes who earn less than R5k; and don’t think you can hide your card or hide, iyha!
  6. Do not let her hide your pants or car keys – It’s a trick, you will never leave her place. She will wash your pants so you spend the weekend and they will take the whole weekend to dry, guard your car keys Bot.
  7. Don’t ever disappear – N’wasati wa Mutsonga is a god at tracking anything with a penis and she has all your friends numbers; including family, high school friends, shebeen owner, and your chief’s number. Disappear wena… she will call everyone crying and make it seem like you were abducted or your kid is in hospital – they will out YOU.
  8. Dont be pornstar nasty – Don’t ruin it for us; we just got them comfortable with giving head 2 years back. Keep your weird fantasies for your weekend skanks sathani!
  9. Don’t be a punk – If another man disrespects you or her, you need to man up u ba mpama. If she does not stop you, make a plan mfo or she WILL fight on your behalf…
  10. Don’t buy her white people gifts – If you want to impress a Tsonga woman and make her feel special, then xava mugayo (buy maize meal), pay the rent and give her money for shopping – in that order.

About Vavanuna:

  1. He won’t mind if you feed him pap (vuswa) 3x a day. If there is no pap, it’s a snack.
  2. Divorce is a sign of weakness in the Tsonga culture, u ta fela vukatini (death is your only option out); sorry my sister, khetile-khetile!
  3. The sex will hurt at first, but you will get used to “it” mami. Please note that this is not confirmation of the mystical tree…
  4. Family is everything to a Tsonga man, if it’s not; he is weak AF or a dark skin Mupedi claiming to be Tsonga.
  5. His mother, Hahani (Senior Aunt) and sisters will forever take his side, dont go running to them for help. Their job is to calm you down and keep you on a leash!
  6. When he disappears in the middle of the night, please know it’s not a Tsonga thing, it’s a family thing and don’t you dare bring it up.
  7. You have to submit to him, and kneel when you serve his parents and the elders of his family. You will be a feminist when you are with your BUDDIES.
  8. . If you are lazy and can’t cook, your relationship won’t last!
  9. When he gets angry he will speak in Xitsonga, don’t panic – he is not threatening your life…
  10. When its xenophobia season, we run.
 
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