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20 things you NEED to know before dating a Tsonga person

About Vavasati:

  1. Don’t ever wrestle her – Tsonga women are very strong and aggressive, trust me mfo – don’t let her size up your strength. Don’t fight a Tsonga woman in any physical way, you will not win.
  2. Do not think you can just jump in bed and not touch her – You will touch her hi nkani or no one is sleeping. Tsonga women fight for sex, LITERALLY. They even drag your parents into it (our culture condones it), NO LIES!
  3. Do not EVER, EVER, EVER cum quick –And quick is less than 15 minutes. If you want peace in your life you better keep penetrating papaya or you will be hearing “mxm” every 6 seconds…
  4. Do not tell her you are full when she serves you food – Eeh bot, just eat that korobela and pray it’s weak.
  5. Don’t let her be your financial accountant – Once a Tsonga woman gets hold of your pin and bank card, you now work for her and you will have to put in a request to access your money. But this usually happens to dudes who earn less than R5k; and don’t think you can hide your card or hide, iyha!
  6. Do not let her hide your pants or car keys – It’s a trick, you will never leave her place. She will wash your pants so you spend the weekend and they will take the whole weekend to dry, guard your car keys Bot.
  7. Don’t ever disappear – N’wasati wa Mutsonga is a god at tracking anything with a penis and she has all your friends numbers; including family, high school friends, shebeen owner, and your chief’s number. Disappear wena… she will call everyone crying and make it seem like you were abducted or your kid is in hospital – they will out YOU.
  8. Dont be pornstar nasty – Don’t ruin it for us; we just got them comfortable with giving head 2 years back. Keep your weird fantasies for your weekend skanks sathani!
  9. Don’t be a punk – If another man disrespects you or her, you need to man up u ba mpama. If she does not stop you, make a plan mfo or she WILL fight on your behalf…
  10. Don’t buy her white people gifts – If you want to impress a Tsonga woman and make her feel special, then xava mugayo (buy maize meal), pay the rent and give her money for shopping – in that order.

About Vavanuna:

  1. He won’t mind if you feed him pap (vuswa) 3x a day. If there is no pap, it’s a snack.
  2. Divorce is a sign of weakness in the Tsonga culture, u ta fela vukatini (death is your only option out); sorry my sister, khetile-khetile!
  3. The sex will hurt at first, but you will get used to “it” mami. Please note that this is not confirmation of the mystical tree…
  4. Family is everything to a Tsonga man, if it’s not; he is weak AF or a dark skin Mupedi claiming to be Tsonga.
  5. His mother, Hahani (Senior Aunt) and sisters will forever take his side, dont go running to them for help. Their job is to calm you down and keep you on a leash!
  6. When he disappears in the middle of the night, please know it’s not a Tsonga thing, it’s a family thing and don’t you dare bring it up.
  7. You have to submit to him, and kneel when you serve his parents and the elders of his family. You will be a feminist when you are with your BUDDIES.
  8. . If you are lazy and can’t cook, your relationship won’t last!
  9. When he gets angry he will speak in Xitsonga, don’t panic – he is not threatening your life…
  10. When its xenophobia season, we run.
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  1. I recently met a Tsonga guy,he respects me and showers me with love and attention.He says he will marry me when he finds employment but time will tell.

  2. Im dating a Tsonga guy too for 2 years now i love him and more than anything we friends. His my everyday crush and wen he was not working we did a lot of things that couples do and non of my friends knew he wasn’t working.

  3. I just started dating a Tsonga/Venda mixed man on the 31st August 2017 and he is THE BEST in everything he started talking marriage after few days of being together.The attention we give each other is unbelievable, we chat and talk all day long even when he is at work,I’m 1yr older than him but u will never say,He took me by surprise to meet his parents already on the 3rd Sept and all was perfect.

  4. I was hurt from a relationship n I met a Tsonga guy…its been 3wks now.Am a Xhosa lady,at first I used him as a scapegoat thinking of fixing things with my ex.But now am head over heels in luv with him.He is soo caring n gives me attention I neva had in the past 48yrs.He puts all my fears at rest…luv him

  5. I met a tsonga guy through facebook n we started ad friends and he is willing to take our friendship to another level and told me that he told his parents about us
    He said that his parents can’t wait to meet me and i must be ready for that.Im so happy.

  6. I met this guy from Mozambique October 2017 he is so loving and caring, but I have this bad feeling that he’s married back home because he visits home now and again.

  7. I agreed to date a tsonga man recently. It was all good and well in the beginning and I felt the love and care, then boom out of the blue he went silent, needing space and not communicating anymore. So what to make of this is beyond me..

  8. I am a Tswana lady all the way from Jozi. I have always thought Tsonga men are caring and over protective of their loved ones. I am currently in a relationship with one all the way from Malamulele; I know I make it sound like a planet away lol, and the first time I went to meet his family I realized how they look-out for each other, very welcoming too and they eat like there is no tomorrow. they are a very cheerful bunch with extremely strict rules. Fortunately I was raised by a strict woman myself so most of their rules do not really intimidate me, I conduct my daily life according to them. He is very gentle and yet strong, strict but versatile at the same time. But one thing I will keep for generations to come is their golden rule “family comes first, no matter what”


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