7 – Lose your darkie accent
I swear I’ve heard Malema twang, but he is clever enough not to use that twang, you should be too. That Limpopo accent when speaking English is key. Stop acting like you in a job interview, no one’s gonna hire you here. If anything, we all looking for jobs too, your moddle C #NoSP.
6 – Eating starch
What are you trying, you gonna go to a mokete and ask for vegies only? Are you trying to get your ass married or just keep it looking good forever? If you answered both, you’re a chicken’s ass. Stats show that women with an African behind get married the most, ignore Michelle Obama and that silly diet and be a real woman.
5 – Believing in God
We might need you to say grace before a meal, to open a family meeting with prayer, and to keep saying amen randomly when someone is trying to make a valid semi-religious point. Trust me, no one wants to hear you liberalist views about atheism and shiit, unamadimoni klaar; repent and ask the lord for forgiveness. Don’t isolate yourself ngezinto ezi dom. Ukuqala kokuhlakanipha ukwemesaba usomandla umdali. Amen!!!
4 – Having side chicks
Guys enough said, no? Well your main can’t be a main if there are no sides, so please don’t confuse the poor woman; you have one Job Qhaaa, get it right Nja.
3 – Crushing your bones
Ubabakho une butcher? Unayo naa? It’s not a rhetorical question. Before you start complaining about how little a piece of chicken your younger sister dished out for you, Look on the bright side, it’s called bone marrow, kokona masapo ao till satisfaction meets you half way.
2 – Blaming white people for all your woes
White people have accepted it’s their fault. They are trying hard to bluff you into thinking they are the good ones. So when it all seems like nothing is working, just know it’s the white man’s fault for setting you up to fail and that is a universally accepted fact for all matters of black struggle; and if you find yourself between a rock and a hard place with the white man, always accuse them of racism. It always works.
1 – Ukuhlabela amadlozi
What are you nuts? Amadlozi are a big part of your life. Drink that Sqo, burn that Mpepho and have deep conversations with those that have passed on for clarity and blessings. Do it for your kids, washa isnyama ngenyongo nentelezi, and visit your great great great grandmother’s grave nge Christmas Eve.
I know the article said 5, but there is 7 numbered points. You need to know this is not a taxi, and you are not in the front seat, miscounting isn’t allowed there, but no one is checking for you here. Relax your brain and scratch your sculpt for inkwethu. Swine!!