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Relationships

20 things you NEED to know before dating a Tsonga person

About Vavasati:

  1. Don’t ever wrestle her – Tsonga women are very strong and aggressive, trust me mfo – don’t let her size up your strength. Don’t fight a Tsonga woman in any physical way, you will not win.
  2. Do not think you can just jump in bed and not touch her – You will touch her hi nkani or no one is sleeping. Tsonga women fight for sex, LITERALLY. They even drag your parents into it (our culture condones it), NO LIES!
  3. Do not EVER, EVER, EVER cum quick –And quick is less than 15 minutes. If you want peace in your life you better keep penetrating papaya or you will be hearing “mxm” every 6 seconds…
  4. Do not tell her you are full when she serves you food – Eeh bot, just eat that korobela and pray it’s weak.
  5. Don’t let her be your financial accountant – Once a Tsonga woman gets hold of your pin and bank card, you now work for her and you will have to put in a request to access your money. But this usually happens to dudes who earn less than R5k; and don’t think you can hide your card or hide, iyha!
  6. Do not let her hide your pants or car keys – It’s a trick, you will never leave her place. She will wash your pants so you spend the weekend and they will take the whole weekend to dry, guard your car keys Bot.
  7. Don’t ever disappear – N’wasati wa Mutsonga is a god at tracking anything with a penis and she has all your friends numbers; including family, high school friends, shebeen owner, and your chief’s number. Disappear wena… she will call everyone crying and make it seem like you were abducted or your kid is in hospital – they will out YOU.
  8. Dont be pornstar nasty – Don’t ruin it for us; we just got them comfortable with giving head 2 years back. Keep your weird fantasies for your weekend skanks sathani!
  9. Don’t be a punk – If another man disrespects you or her, you need to man up u ba mpama. If she does not stop you, make a plan mfo or she WILL fight on your behalf…
  10. Don’t buy her white people gifts – If you want to impress a Tsonga woman and make her feel special, then xava mugayo (buy maize meal), pay the rent and give her money for shopping – in that order.

About Vavanuna:

  1. He won’t mind if you feed him pap (vuswa) 3x a day. If there is no pap, it’s a snack.
  2. Divorce is a sign of weakness in the Tsonga culture, u ta fela vukatini (death is your only option out); sorry my sister, khetile-khetile!
  3. The sex will hurt at first, but you will get used to “it” mami. Please note that this is not confirmation of the mystical tree…
  4. Family is everything to a Tsonga man, if it’s not; he is weak AF or a dark skin Mupedi claiming to be Tsonga.
  5. His mother, Hahani (Senior Aunt) and sisters will forever take his side, dont go running to them for help. Their job is to calm you down and keep you on a leash!
  6. When he disappears in the middle of the night, please know it’s not a Tsonga thing, it’s a family thing and don’t you dare bring it up.
  7. You have to submit to him, and kneel when you serve his parents and the elders of his family. You will be a feminist when you are with your BUDDIES.
  8. . If you are lazy and can’t cook, your relationship won’t last!
  9. When he gets angry he will speak in Xitsonga, don’t panic – he is not threatening your life…
  10. When its xenophobia season, we run.
 
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8 Comments

  1. Hi,

    I am currently dating a Tsonga man and I am a colored woman how do I go about the culture because I do not know anything really about the culture.

     
  2. Ohh my word the things to know about Tsonga man are just down right hilarious only because most are true.. I was dating one and it ended very bad. I couldn’t stand the sight of Tsonga speaking people because our relationship included family taking sides and ohh by the way I am a sotho speaking woman, so the language barrier. What I also noticed is that you have each other’s backs which I respect. However the dispise I had for this tribe has somehow ended and now I am back dating one again. But I fear for the traits and for repeating the same mistakes that I made. But I won’t punish this man because of another man’s faults. Tsonga men are adorable creatures neither less I having seeing that they have love for their partners.

     
  3. I’m currently dating a Tsonga man it’s been a year now I’m a single mother and he learned to accept my three year old daughter..I’m Soo in love with this guy i can’t even see myself with another man..

    He’s taking good care of my daughter and I and I make sure that hes also happy he’s even gained weight ..so lately I’ve been on YouTube learning how to speak the language and the tradition more…ow and lastly the sex is soo good I can’t get enough..

    All I can say is I’m happy and I love him.

     
  4. Broken Tsonga men will hurt you like you were the one who did all those bad things yooo i have 1 he was married for 9years and the partner cheated andbthey divorced.so now is like m being punished for someone’s sins.he wont give u money to spoil urself but will buy alcohol and drink with his buddies and funny thing is he buys alcohol but will not buy undies for himself.sex is good but yoooooo stingy. I want a very loyal and faithful Tsonga man not the one who left a wife and kids at home,cz we wont last he will be back to his wife so i want the one and only who will love me and my son and i dnt mind if he has a child or 2

     
  5. Broken Tsonga men will hurt you like you were the one who did all those bad things yooo i have 1 he was married for 9years and the partner cheated andbthey divorced.so now is like m being punished for someone’s sins.he wont give u money to spoil urself but will buy alcohol and drink with his buddies and funny thing is he buys alcohol but will not buy undies for himself.sex is good but yoooooo stingy. I want a very loyal and faithful Tsonga man not the one who left a wife and kids at home,cz we wont last he will be back to his wife so i want the one and only who will love me and my son and i dnt mind if he has a child

     
  6. I am a white english woman and am pregnant with a tsonga man… I have been trying 2 learn about all his culture beliefs but he is in a relationship with another woman and I am getting so fed up with that… He keeps throwing culture in my face… Can someone pls explain. And wat r the rituals around pregnancy and birth

     
  7. I started being with a Tsonga man in April 2021. The love he has is magical. He’s sweet and I’m having the best lovemaking I ever had in my life. He cooks for me when I’m tired, he’s so adorable.

     

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