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White peoples guide to using taxis

Let me tell you a secret white people, we have prayed for your downfall and even slaughtered a rhino. Y’all can see our prayers are slowly being answered – the rand is not doing well, crime out of hand, unemployment, Nkandla, service delivery strikes are scaring foreign investors and we have Eskom, interest rates, petrol prices, cost of living, turn up expenses, data costs – all ridiculous and SARS is investigating all of you.

Now, prepare to lower your standard of living and to use taxis.

White people guide to use taxis:

  1. Don’t annoy or fight with the driver and the queue marshal (details below)
    2. You don’t have right when you are inside a taxi. Close your mouth, pay your fare and pray you make it back home alive.
    3. Bring earphones and load songs on your iPod, or prepare your eardrums for loud Tsonga music, Hostel music, Dolly Paton music or Phalaphala FM.
    4. If you want to open the window go to the backseat, but you can only open the window if the council of aboMama endorses it.
    5. Don’t bring R200 notes in the morning or after work or anytime of the day.
    6. If the driver kicks out of his taxi, no one is going to take your side. Get off and stop delaying us, wa phapha!

Unspoken Taxi rules:

The following rules are not up for discussion, and they apply to everyone who uses a taxi.

  1. The person by the door is mandated to open the door each time someone wants to get off.
    2. The guy in the middle collects the fares, and pays for the whole seat.
    3. Your shoulder has to be poked; keep your attitude for your partner.
    4. After 8pm its 4-4, a taxi ride is not about comfort; it’s about getting to your destination.

Know you gang signs… I mean taxi signs:

  • Middle finger will stop a taxi, but for you to get shot or knocked out.
  • Don’t wave to stop a taxi.
  • Khomba up – for town.
  • Khomba down – for local.
  • For the other signs, please ask your black friend.

How to get off a taxi:

  • Short left means you are getting off at the nearest stop on your left.
  • Short right means the opposite of short left.
  • After robot is used before a robot.
  • “Stop sign/Bus stop/danger box” to indicate the landmark you are getting off.
  • If you missed your stop, just shout “dankie!” and the taxi will stop on the spot.

Good luck white people. Try not report the taxi drivers to Talk702, it won’t end well for you and please wear shoes when you go to the taxi rank.

Image: gautengfilm.co.za

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